Some People are Dumb
by HellfireSupremacy
Summary: Has a scene in Fire Emblem ever caused you to face-palm and say to yourself "What the hell, no human being can possibly be this stupid?" Good. Keep reading. NEW: Chapter 3, in which we lampoon Brendan Reed for being a tool.
1. Lyn is a Fucking Moron

Only two things are infinite, the Universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe.

-Albert Einstein-

**HellfireSupremacy: Let's face it folks. Some people are dumb. Really dumb. Isn't that right Matthew?**

**Matthew: Uh…why am I here?**

**HellfireSupremacy: **_**(whisper) You're my muse of comedic mischief. Just play along**_**.**

**Matthew: Oh, hell's yeah, lots of stupid people in the world. People like Bartre… **

**HellfireSupremacy: …and Paris Hilton…**

**Matthew: …and Dozla…**

**HellfireSupremacy: …and that guy at the drive through who never gets your order right…**

**Matthew: …and Boyd…**

**HellfireSupremacy: Lots of stupid people, the world is just full of idiots. Especially the world of Fire Emblem…**

**Matthew: ...Which is why Hellfire decided to put together a collection of unrelated one-shots illustrating the sheer stupidity of various FE stooges, one character per chapter…**

**HellfireSupremacy: …And at the end of each chapter me and Matthew get to proclaim that said character is a fucking moron for all the world to hear. Inspired by the Newgrounds flash video series YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON. **

**Matthew: Thanks for the inspiration Newgrounds! **

**(Cough) I don't own Fire Emblem (Cough)**

* * *

Chapter 1: Lyn is a Fucking Moron

Alright, we all know how this story starts. Lyn finds a tactician collapsed on the plains. Said tactician helps Lyn kill Batta the Beast and some nameless brigand with his uber tactical skills.

LYN: HAALLLPPP, I CANT THINKS ON MAH OWN! WHAT SHOULD I DO?

TACTICIAN: SHANK THIS MUTHA FUCKA!!

BATTA: NOOOOOEESSS, MAH BEASTLY AWESOMENESS! U CAN'T HAVES!

LYN: (STABZORS)

BATTA: (DROPS DEAD)

So let me get this straight, Lyn can't beat two noob bandits without a tactician shouting out commands? Truly this is phail on a level never before seen by humanity. Let's do that again, this time with me being the tactician. Therefore, the tactician is now a complete dick and takes great pleasure in watching stupid people phail at life.

"Mr. Hellfire, help!" Lyn screams. "I need your awesome genius to fight these bandits!"

"No you don't."

"Huh?"

"You're facing two brigands. You have superior stats, a weapon advantage, and two healing potions. I'm sure you can figure this one out on your own.

"Ummmm…."

"Come on Lyn, this isn't brain surgery. It's just two bandits. Two." I hold up two fingers.

"But I'm a sword fighter!" Lyn whines. "I'm not supposed to think and plan and stuff."

"Zero thought required Lyn, this is the fucking prologue. A psych ward escapee on hallucinogenic drugs could figure out how to kill Batta while having a nice conversation with George Washington in a speedo and a shape-shifting alien named Elvis."

"But…"

"Well, I'm gonna go knock back a few brewskies with Matthew. Good luck!"

"Noooo, Don't leave me! I need you to think!"

So Lyn goes out and tries to kill the bandits on her own. Naturally I don't help her. Because I'm a dick. She tries to do the prologue on her own with no tactician and doesn't get very far.

Lyn attacks the first noob bandit and lands a hit. He tries to hit her on the counterattack but, she dodges. Lyn attacks the noob bandit again and he dies. Afterwards Lyn heals up and goes on to face Batta…

…and loses. Lyn actually fucking loses on the prologue. She takes a swing at Batta with her sword. Batta swings back with his axe. Both attacks hit. Batta hits her again during the enemy attack phase and Lyn goes down like the stupid little cunt that she is.

And I'm watching the entire thing laughing my ass off. Because Lyn just died on the prologue. Normal people have to TRY to suck that hard.

LYN: OWW…OWWWWWW! MAH BACK! I GOTS AXED IN MAH BACK!

"Time out! Time out! None of that shit actually happened!" a really pissed off Lyn screams at me. "I dodged Batta's last attack and downed him with a sword critical. My plan worked. I'm smart enough to beat the prologue without a tactician!"

"That was on Easy Mode. You had RNG hax to compensate for your complete lack of intelligence. This is what would have happened if the fight wasn't fixed.

I clap twice, Batta pops up behind Lyn and plants his axe in the back of her neck. Gheb then appears out of nowhere and smacks Batta upside the head with his massive wang. Batta drops dead from blunt-force trauma to the head. Gheb proceeds to buttsex his corpse.

**HellfireSupremacy: And what have we learned today Matthew?"**

**Matthew: We learned that Lyn of the Lorca is a FUCKING MORON!**


	2. Lundgren is a Fucking Moron

**HellfireSupremacy: Another day, another moron. So who's up next on the hit parade?"**

**Matthew: Don't know. You crossed everyone's name of the hit list and scribbled "WHY MUST I BE SURROUNDED BY FRIGGIN IDIOTS!" a bunch of times in red ink. **

**HellfireSupremacy: I did? That doesn't sound like me… **

**Matthew: Yeah. You did. There's other stuff to, but none of it's legible. Dude, your hand writing sucks ass. Did you actually write this, or did you just start punching small animals in the gut until they puked on a piece of paper?"**

**HellfireSupremacy: Shut up, it's a legitimate medical problem! I have...dexterity issues…"**

**Matthew: Dude, you have mental issues…**

**HellfireSupremacy: Probably. Anyways, list or no list, we need someone to rip on or we don't have a chapter. **

**Matthew: How about Lundgren, he's a dumb ass.**

**HellfireSupremacy: That works. Let's go with Lundgren.**

**(cough) I don't own Fire Emblem (cough)**

Chapter 2: Lundgren is a Fucking Moron

For this one I'm calling in the Angel of Death as an expert witness.

"Yo, Jaffar! Stop trying to cop a feel off of Nino and get your ass in here, we got shit to do!"

"Sup." The assassin pops up out of the shadows. "You need me to whack a fool?"

"No, no, nothing of the sort. I just have a few questions for you."

"Shoot."

"You're a professional assassin. You've killed more retarded shmucks then a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool. You ever use any lethal poisons in your craft?"

"All the time, it's pretty much the easiest way to kill a man."

"Then pray tell us Jaffar, how many doses of poison does it take a competent operative to get the job done."

"Just one."

So that's like what, three or four doses for a novice assassin. Maybe six or seven for a complete stranger to the killing arts?"

"Nope, still just one. Poison is poison. It's not like knifing someone in the face where you have to factor in fighting skill, weapons quality, witnesses, time of day…you just get in, spike their drink, and get out."

"So Jaffar, What would you say if I told you I knew an old man who poisoned his older brother with intent to kill, but fucked up magnificently and wound up leaving him bed-ridden and ill instead of dead. Said man continued to poison his brother for several months, during which time he had complete control over all his eating and drinking habits. And the dumb bastard still couldn't take him out! By the time this moron figures out 'dude, I'm probably not using strong enough poison,' his dumb fuck of a niece who can't kill two noob bandits without a tactician shows up with her goons, and they beat his ass.

"I'd say we're looking at a failure of a human being whose untimely demise raises the collective intelligence of humanity. Anyone that stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. We're talking about Lundgren, right?"

"Indeed we are Jaffar. Indeed we are. And wouldn't you have just loved to be around when that idiot was trying to kill his brother, so you could laugh at his incompetence? Just so you could watch him fuck up day after day…

* * *

"God damn it, he's still not dead. Poison him again!" Lundgren commands.

"Perhaps we should increase the poisons strength milord."

"Unnecessary, just use the same dose as last time. If we keep poisoning him every day the toxins will start to accumulate in his system. Eventually that'll kill him.

"Or we could just force an entire bottle down his throat and finish him off today. No one's going to stop us."

"I…don't follow your logic."

"Okay, you know how you wanna let a bunch of shit build up in his blood, and kill him off like that? I'm saying if you just give him the entire bottle of poison right now, we can be done with it in 20 seconds flat."

"That's a terrible idea."

"No it's not, it's quick and efficient."

"Silence! I couldn't think of it on my own, therefore it must be a terrible idea. Why are you advising your Lord Lundgren to act upon a terrible idea? Do you oppose my rule? Are you plotting against me?"

"Ummmm…"

GUARDS, THIS MAN IS TRYING TO SABOTAGE MY GODLY AWESOME STRATEGY! EXECUTE HIM!"

"Wow. Sucks to be me." (STABZORS!)

"And that goes for the rest of you!" Lundgren barks. "I'm calling the shots, and I say we make this scheme as long, nonsensical, and unnecessarily comlicated as possible. We will continue to sicken my brother the marquess with non-lethal doses of poison and feed our most incompetent soldiers to my niece and her EXP whoring tactician. All further questions concerning the efficiency of my plan will be answered with accusations of treachery. And treachery is now a crime punishable by ball-clamp torture, because I said so! I'm the main villain and that's how I role!"

"Bitch, I'm the main villain. You're garbage!" Nergal shows up and he's all pissed cause Lundgren just totally blew him off. So he eats Lundgren's soul.

But then the fire dragon shows up and he's all like "Bitch, I'm the FINAL villian. Your just a creepy old man with a disfigured face and a head towel!" So the dragon incinerates Nergal and hacks a flaming loogy into his ashes.

But then Gheb shows up and he's all like "Bitch, I'm Gheb." And the fire dragon flees in terror.

But then…

**Mattthew: …Forget it man, you're done. You milked this gag for all it's worth. Quit while your ahead.**

**HellfireSupremacy: Good call. What have we learned today Matthew?**

**Matthew: We learned that Lord Lundgren is a FUCKING MORON!**


	3. Brendan Reed is a Fucking Moron

**HellfireSupremacy: The hate train is back, and it's better than ever. This time we've got Brendan Reed on the hot seat. Just when you thought it was safe to enter the water…**

**Matthew: Just when you thought this nonsense was dead and buried…**

**Naesala: Just when you thought Hellfire's humor couldn't get any more childish, repetitive, and sophomoric …**

**Matthew: What the hell is he doing here?**

**HellfireSupremacy: I told you man, you've been dethroned. Naesala's my new muse of comedic mischief.**

**Matthew: Come on man, that's such bullshit. Hector's still your muse of heroic badassery. How come you didn't replace him with Ike or Tibarn, but you replaced me with this feathered freak?**

**HellfireSupremacy: Because Hector is still the most bad-ass lord in the history of Fire Emblem, Tibarn and Ike notwithstanding, and Naesala is just better than you in every conceivable way. **

**Matthew: :(**

**HellfireSupremacy: Naesala, be a good little muse and read all the nice people my disclaimer. Matthew, quit your bitching. I'm not cutting you off, you're still gonna be pulling mad pranks in ****Boy Talk with Eliwood and Hector****, and you're still my dealer.**

**Matthew: …Word…**

**Naesala: HellfireSupremacy does not own Fire Emblem. But oh my god, imagine the silliness that would go down if he did. Reyson would be singing grunge metal, and I'd be playing speed guitar. But enough about me, let's all shit on Brendan Reed. **

_God gave man a brain and a penis, and just enough blood to use one at a time._ (Unknown)

Chapter 3: Brendan Reed is a Fucking Moron

At what point should a man realize he's being used; before or after his domineering whore of a wife drops the "I never loved you, I just fucked your brains out so I could take over your guild and boss around your assassins" bombshell?

And once a man comes to said realization, what should he do? What would YOU do?

**(A) Absolutely nothing. You've got a smoking hot babe with a low cut dress and an amazing pair of Double-Ds pleasuring you every night, willing to do things to you that you would normally only see in porn. So what if she's hideously evil! Keep your mouth shut and don't fuck this up, keep tapping that ass until the day she murders you. **

**(B) Hide from the truth. Lie to yourself. Make excuses. Ignore the advice of your friends, your lieutenants, your grown sons; all the good people who see the writing on the wall and are telling you this bitch is trouble. What do they know? Sure, she might be cruel and vindictive, but she can't be EVIL. That's just silly.**

**(C) Follow up on your suspicions…kind of. Do something—anything—but whatever it is, make sure you do a half-ass job and don't actually put any effort in to it. Do something so trivial and so insignificant you might as well have done nothing at all. For example, you could do something like order your Uncle Jan to snoop around on your behalf. THAT'S productive.**

**(D) All of the above**

If you chose (A) you're a pussy-whipped tool. If you chose (B) you're just really fucking stupid. If you chose (C) then you're the laziest sack of shit I've ever met in my entire life. You're so fucking lazy that you make Captain Haar look like employee of the month material. And if you chose (D)…well…if you chose (D) this is the caliber of man you've lumped yourself in with.

**Brendan Reed: Hey baby, next time you're going down on me, can you reach around and do that crazy thing with your pinky? **

**Lady Sonia: I don't know Brendan, next time you see your sons can you call in a hit on House Ostia? (BITCH TO ENGLISH TRANSLATION: You're not getting any action unless you do exactly what I tell you to do) **

**Brendan Reed: Deal! Now come on, let's fuck!**

Charming, isn't he? Seriously though, there's a fine line between thinking with your dick and just not thinking at all. That horny old motherfucker who marries a woman half his age and is amazed when she walks away a month later with half his money? He's thinking with his dick.

The horny old mother-fucker who marries a malicious, golden-eyed, inhuman construct and thinks he's just found the love of his life? (Golden eyes are not normal. To anyone with half a brain this should be a crystal clear signal that all is not well in the domicile). He's not thinking with his dick, he's just not thinking at all.

Because at some point during his three years of marriage to Sonia, that raging hard-on Brendan got when he first saw his wife's cleavage had to go flaccid. (Three years is a ridiculously long time to keep it up, Viagra commercials tell us we're in medical danger after four fucking hours). At which point all that extra blood in his penis should have rushed on up back to his brain, giving Brendan the intellectual wherewithal to say something along the lines of "Sonia, there's something very suspicious about your interest in the operations of the Black Fang. I don't know who you're working for or why you want those kids from Lycia dead so badly, but you're obviously up to no good and it's making my men very uncomfortable. So knock it off. Quit trying to whore your way up the chain-of-command, get your shit together and stop abusing your daughter. If that's too much for you to manage, pack your bags and get the fuck out of my house!"

Sonia, being the sex-toy construct that she is, wouldn't listen to a word of it even if Brendan actually had something intelligent to say. She'd try to seduce him again, and he'd probably have to go upside her head to bring her back in line. Now normally I would stop short of advocating domestic violence, but anyone who's ever played through FE7 can back me up when I say that Sonia is one bitch who actually deserves to get smacked around a bit. I do not feel like getting particularly graphic on this point, so I'll leave it to the reader's imagination to envision Brendan laying a well deserved wife-beating on Sonia with that big, burly, warrior physique of his. Take that mental image and run as far as you want with it.

That's what Brendan Reed could have done if he had a brain in his head. It's not nearly as complicated as the halfwits and imbeciles make it out to be. Alas, Brendan Reed is in fact a halfwit and an imbecile. So this is what actually happened when my new muse and I tried to stage an intervention…

* * *

"Hail, Brendan Reed! This is an intervention! I am an angel of God, sent to guide you and cure you of your affliction." Naesala declares as I use my author HAX powers to grant him access to FE7 continuity. The commander of the Black Fang is surprised by the sudden appearance of this strange bird man, but he listens anyway because Naesala has him convinced that he's actually an "angel of God." Bird laguz kind of look like angels anyway, and the Crow King puts on a very convincing act. Plus Brendan is just dumb as shit and really easy to fuck with, as Sonia has proven on multiple occasions.

"An angel, eh?" Brendan falls hook-line-and-sinker for Naesala's bullshit, as have so many smarter men before him. "I thought you fellers all had white wings?"

"Mine are black. Deal with it."

"Okayyyy…so why are you here?"

"You are suffering from chronic bitch dependency Brendan. You need help."

"Bitch dependency?" Brendan has that look on his face where you can't tell if he's confused or constipated. (A look most commonly found on Bartre, he makes it whenever you use a word bigger than ROCK).

"Yes Brendan, bitch dependency. It's a serious disease," Naesala explains. "Very serious, addiction to a bitch can fuck with your mind. It affects your health, your money, your relationships."

"But…Sonia loves me…she makes me happy…"

"No man, no she doesn't. That's the addiction talking. "

"But…"

"She's hot as hell Brendan. She fucks you all the time, and it probably feels great. But has she ever once made you happy?"

"No…just…unclean. Unclean and ashamed. But she's so fucking hot!"

"Yes Brendan, we've established that. But does she respect your sons? Does she respect her own daughter? Does she even respect you?"

"No. No, she doesn't..."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"But she's so fucking hot!"

"Okay, you know what? I don't think I'm going to get through to you with common sense. So instead this is happening," Naesela reaches into his pocket and procures a stack of graphic, distrubing photos. These photos depict the most foul, gut-wrenching, sex-drive killing scene in the known FE universe: an orgy at the Bengion senate. And when I say orgy, I'm not talking about those clusterfuck set-ups you see on smutty amateur webcams. I'm talking about a full on, long live Emperor Caligula, depraved Roman orgy with grain alcohol, undercooked meat, and togas. All that, plus Oliver and Valtome are present. And Gheb. You know the rules folks, can't have an FE orgy without Gheb.

"Hm, What do we have here? Why, it looks like a perfectly harmless picture of…ARGGHHHH, MY EYES! MY EYES! OH SWEET MERCIFUL GOD MY EYES! IT BURNS WITH THE WHITE-HOT FIRE OF A THOUSAND SONS! DEAR GOD, TAKE MY EYES!"

"That's not even the worst of it. Here's what you're going to do," Naesala instructs as he presents these sickening images to Brendan "From now on, you're going to carry these pictures with you everywhere you go. Everywhere. No Exceptions. So the next time Sonia tries to manipulate you with sex and you feel like you just can't say know, all you have to do is whip out your stash and stare at these pictures for about 30 seconds. See if that don't change your entire perspective on life."

"Urggg…so disgusting…the cure is worse than the disease."

"Maybe so, but at least you don't have to fuck it."

The fucked up thing is that Naesala's method actually works, and it's completely idiot proof. You see a photograph where the least disturbing thing in the picture is a completely naked Duke Oliver rubbing himself down with bacon grease and that's it; once that image is burned into your mind you are cock-blocked for life.

**Matthew: How the hell did you get pics of Bengion's senators getting down and nasty at an orgy?**

**Naesala: My country produces excellent spies.**

**Matthew: That's your answer to everything!**

**Naesala: And half the time It's just me spouting bullshit, but this time it's actually true.**

**HellfireSupremacy: So you just carry those around with you where ever you go, for no apparent reason?**

**Naesala: Meh, never know when incriminating photos of a Senator will come in handy. **

**HellfireSupremacy: That's a story for another day Naesala. Today we have but a single topic to discuss. And what would that be gentleman?**

**Naesala & Matthew: BRENDAN REED IS A FUCKING MORON! **


End file.
